Yes, it is I, T-Dexxx, reporting from the field in my impressive garb. As excited as I was about covering the SEBT tournament a few weeks ago, I am even more psyched for the club’s annual First Tournament (which, as you should know, was not named after the first day of the new year, but in honor of Adolphus Fürst—the first Amish-American to play in the National Subbuteo League in 1947.)
Now, there are certain things you can expect with the approach of New Year’s Eve. No, not the annual thawing and re-animation of Dick Clark, or an appearance by that national train-wreck known as Fergie (instead, let’s hope TV viewers are graced by a visitation from the angelic Justin Bieber, before either his voice or a sex scandal drops.) And no, I do not mean drinking excessively, and then vomiting the next morning from the smell of cooking pork-and-sauerkraut. And I certainly do not mean those infamous “New Year’s resolutions” to change one’s life for the better. Who the hell takes that crap seriously?
Of course, I am talking about the opening of the 1st & 4th Club 2011 Season, and my annual pre-tournament predictions. And without further ado, I will dispel them via a dozen not-so-rhetorical questions (see answers below):
1) How much “Avery-ing” will be tolerated?
2) Will Dutch hold serve on his home pitch, step on the throats of his challengers, claim the First Tournament title, and solidify his #1 Schettler Favorite Person Index Score (FPIS) going into 2011?
3) Will Avery or Dirty Nacho use the home field to their advantage, and launch themselves to the championship?
4) Will either Portugal or Cameroon appear?
5) Will there be an appearance by that most enigmatic of club members, the Blur?
6) Will an awkward tournament bracket force the Guest Player to actually play?
7) Will Der Tyrant command the field as strictly as his subjects, or will defensive woes again force him to adopt a strategy of “strip subbuteo”? And if the latter, just how many articles of clothing will he wear?
8) Will the Shake Weight restore HBS to his winning form, or will overuse reduce him of vim and vigor, rending his play as flaccid and chapped as a pelican’s pouch?
9) Will (H)BT represent his haute new moniker, or will one small miscue crush his soul and send him spiraling into a meltdown, again? Or will that happen to Dirty Nacho?
10) And speaking of more style than substance, will E’s squad of coyly-coifed fashionistas prove they can walk into the championship as surely as they do the runway?
11) Will Kaitlyn, the once "Heavily Favored," return to the top of the Schettler FPIS with a good showing in the tournament? Will anything less than a championship wrest #1 from Dutch? Or will she suffer the “Decker curse” and yet again be saddled with her overbearing, underwhelming brother?
12) Will Mark, the club president, win another tournament title and elude the cloud of suspicion surrounding his reign?
Most likely, nothing even remotely close to any of this will happen. One thing guaranteed, though: hot tub.
See you at the Rauenzahn Estate for First Tournament!
—T-Dexxx
Answer key:
1) Too much.
2) Yes, yes, no, yes.
3) Avery, yes; Dirty Nacho, no.
4) No, neither.
5) Maybe.
6) Probably.
7) No stripping, but it will be three items: flip-flops, t-shirt, and a thong.
8) The Shake Weight will not affect his game. His free time, however, will suffer.
9) Certainly not.
10) Yes. They have mad potential, yo.
11) No. Definitely not. And let’s hope not.
12) No title, but the rumors remain nonetheless.
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